Saturday, March 17, 2012

I was angry.
So, so angry. Rage thumped in my heart towards you. Yes, you. My friends, my family, maybe even God. I have felt very alone for such a long, long time. Ever since my plans were changed, since my life fell apart, since I left San Marcos I have felt alone. One person consistently cared for me. He was the one who checked up on me, chatted with me about unimportant things, encouraged me, and said the really hard things that I needed to hear during those 6 months when I was away from the place I called my home, San Marcos. He was there. I depended on him heavily. It was wrong, and I knew it, but I felt I had no choice. No one else was there for me, except God and him. Anger and frustration has been building up inside of me for the past 5 months, unbeknownst to me, until today. Today it all spilled out. I hadn't really cared that this one person was the only one who kept up with me when I was away from San Marcos. At least I had him. However, now that I don't have him anymore, it has become heavily apparent how alone I feel, how far away I feel, and how angry I have been at the other people in my life. Today that anger destroyed me.
Aggression. Rage. Frustration. Alone. Fear. Depression. Giving up. Death.
These thoughts ran through my head today. Yes, even the last one. Death. Why the hell must my thoughts go to such an extreme place? Yeah, I am unhappy right now. Yeah, I'm not where I want to be in life. Yeah, things have happened recently that have completely destroyed what I knew for certain was my future. So what? Oh poor Catherine... she has such a hard life! Living a hard life with suffering and sadness is not worthy of living, clearly. It would be easy to give up.
In a world without hope, yes. I would give up. But this world is far from without hope.
I am so completely and totally selfish. Honestly, it disgusts me. I'm so sorry to all of you. It is so easy to throw a pity party and hate the people around me for not loving me well, but really... Let's be real, Catherine. Are you loving them perfectly? Haha, no way. I am not. I am a ridiculous human being that cares mostly only for herself. How awful is that? There is little that saddens me more than the selfishness of humanity. Selfishness is the driving force of all sin. Murder, rape, greed, lies, injustice, jealousy, hate, adultery. It is our downfall. Tragic. And when it comes down to it, I am no better than the rest of the world. I may like to think that I am a saint because of the sacrifices I have made for others, because I open doors, because I love Africans more than you do, because I care about your hunger more than my own sometimes, but that is complete bull. I am sorry. I wish I were a better friend.All I can do is hope and pray to the God of all things and ask Him to help me change my heart... My wicked, disgusting heart.
Good thing our Lord is so Holy. Isn't it grand that the Creator of all is my friend, my Father, and my Savior? And He has saved me. I am righteous. I am redeemed. Thank God.


  1. Well I still love you, and I'm going to love you in the best way that I can, but honey I don't feel sorry for you. I am inherently immune to pity parties. So yes, stop calling yourself disgusting. You're not. This heart of yours is not wicked, either. No one is expecting you to be better than the world and I hope you are not expecting yourself to be better than the rest of the world, either. Yes, selfishness a trait that needs to be kept in check like any other, but selfishness itself is not going anywhere. At this point I encourage you to pray (of course I encourage you to pray) but I hope you will DO something as well. No one here is expecting sainthood, but I hope you'll take the things you care about and put them to use.

    Loving you in my matter-of-fact way,

  2. Not that you'll be alone. People are here to help (including me).

  3. You, miss Meagan, are beautiful and an amazing person.
    The thing I am about to say is a compliment, trust me.
    You remind me of my dad.