Friday, April 13, 2012

I hate trying to make plans.

Sometimes I wonder, "What the heck was God thinking when he gave man free will?" I really feel like I don't have the courage, wisdom, or decisiveness to make the decisions I need to make in order to move on from this place. What is next? What do I do, pursue?
I wonder if I should be doing something more right now that will help me get better emotionally and spiritually. Should I be seeing a Christian counselor? Seeking a mentor?
Should I push myself into activities and hobbies that I love so that my mind will be occupied with things other than my own circumstances? I am thinking about joining a dance class, or being a part of community theater.
Should I look for work or service opportunities? At a church? On a ranch? As a photographer? As a cook/nutritional educator? Or just work a regular old job, at a restaurant?
Maybe I should just try and see if I can do ALL of these things, and those that are impossible don't happen, and those that work, I do. Apply for this, register for that, audition for this, plan for that, offer my services there... And just wait and see what happens. Maybe? I guess.
I have to do SOMETHING. I can't just sit here and wait for something to fall into my lap. But it looks like my summer will be spent in San Antonio. That is something I am almost sure of.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Growing Pains: the good kind of hurt.

So much has changed.
It's so hard to feel anything around me - to feel anything stable, like the ground.
Sometimes I think I haven't anything to grasp onto except the truth of my God.
It makes me go crazy at those times when I don't know.
When I don't know anything about what I'm doing with my life, how I'm going to support myself and live.
I don't know anything. Nothing.

I can wish all I want about having a different past, meeting different people, or not dating anyone.
But it doesn't matter, because I can't change anything that has already happened, and hating it doesn't change it either. It only makes it more miserable.

So much has changed in my life within the past couple months, and the past year. So many things undone. And the only thing I know for sure about my future is this: change will continue, and nothing will be predictable. And you know what is even more likely? Disappointment will continue. Life will throw its curve balls and I won't get my way. Only good can come of this, fortunately.

Oh man. Haha, only good can come of these hard times. It's a really painful kind of good, but oh is it good. You wouldn't believe how much I have grown as a person, as a daughter, as a friend, and as a child of God through this last year. During my sickness when I lost hope and passion for life and became depressed in San Antonio, the physical pain and torture of my sickness, and then finally losing my best friend and San Marcos. During these trials I grew so much, through these trials I have learned so much, and I am continuing to learn. My faith and trust in the Lord are tested every - single - day.
Catherine, do you actually believe all those words that have been pouring out of your mouth for years and years? Those empty words that spewed out of your mouth when you were talking your "faith" in God.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect through your weakness"
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."
No Catherine, you never did. You never knew what those words meant, until now. And you are just now realizing what it actually requires to believe. You were a hypocrite. You were the Christian that you have always so despised for leading non-believers astray; living a "luke-warm faith" in the Lord. Pretending to care, but not giving everything up for the cause you say you would die for. But now, now you understand. Now that everything that matter most to you has been taken away, you can see what truly matters. You see that the ONLY thing that matters is God, and spreading the gospel.

Blessed be your name LORD. Now I can see everything so clearly. I will praise you, my God, for the rest of my days. I will praise you, serve you, and love you. If I happen to accomplish anything else that benefits myself and the world around me, then cool. But I know that my life's purpose is not to please my fellow humans or be a part of this world.

Yes, I know nothing about my existence in this world. I may not know how I will earn money and be independent, or if I should marry, or if I will ever heal of my sickness and eat bread again, and I certainly do not know what is smart for me to pursue as a career. But, at least I know what my existence is about in the eternal aspect of things. I only exist for one purpose, and Him alone. And because of that, I can be totally free from fear. What in the world can I be afraid of? I have everything, because I have the Lord as my savior.    

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Mmhmm. That's right. Let's look at the journey of healing I have been on. Photos from starting in October of 2011 until now. But this is a journey I have been on since February of 2011. Been very sick for a long time.
Praying that the healing continues! Isn't the progress crazy good?