If you are reading this and for some reason you don't know me that well, you are about to get to know me pretty well. I am a very open person, and if anyone asked me how I was really doing, how my heart was, how my relationship with the Lord was, I would really tell them honestly how I was. What I have written below isn't exactly a happy update, but it is where I have been. Praying things go up from here.
My heart towards the Lord? Honestly, it hasn't been too good. I just have not been going to Him for my needs. I have been living a miserable existence I guess, and my lame life has sort of made me hate myself a little. I have such little motivation. I have no idea why. It's very hard to get myself to do anything productive. This is my life every day: wake up late (around noon or later), bathe and moisturize my skin, and then I eat and watch TV for the rest of the day. I really want to change it. Watching TV is how I escape from my reality though. My reality is indeed my problem. I hate my reality. I hate that I am sick, I hate what the sickness has done to my physical appearance, I hate my skin and how it falls off EVERYWHERE I go, and I hate that I disappoint my parents. So I watch TV to escape, and then I hate myself for not doing anything, and I continue to disappoint my parents. It's a vicious cycle, really.
I realize I need to love and accept myself and my situation in life. I need to accept that wherever I go, my skin will flake off, and then people will notice and make comments. I need to accept that I am sick, and live in the Lord's will for my life. I need to discover what he has for me in my sickness and glorify him in that. I need to love my appearance and believe that I am beautiful, even though my hair is falling out, my body is often swollen, red, flaking, and bleeding. I need to pursue joy. For some reason though, right now I just don't know how, and because I am not relying on the Lord for the strength to get through this and accomplish all these things, it isn't happening. So it seems hopeless. It is such a battle. I'm not gonna lie, this last week was rough. The self-loathing grew stronger, as did the discouragement and lack of hope. My mom always points out how I fail, and I fail a lot in her eyes, so that only upsets me more and makes me dislike myself more. I don't like disappointing her, but it's all I do. And I'm sure my dad isn't exactly thrilled with how I have been living either.